There is a beginning for a reason

So Lets start there...

I had an extremely normal childhood. 1 older brother, a dog, mom, dad, the whole 9. Grew up in a small town in NW Arkansas. Middle class income NOTHING too exciting about all that.



School wasnt as important for me as it should have been and getting out of it was the most important part of my day. Like most, I didnt apply myself and didnt see much reason to. I didnt have a "plan" for life after high school and College had been given a bad name in my house, by my brother. Who had dropped out a year earlier.



I met, married, and moved away with a man whom I called "my only shot at getting out of this town". To clarify there was nothing- absoultley nothing wrong with this man aside from the fact that he had chosen to make an 18 year old woman his bride. We were married for 2 years and as "statisically" expected we were divorced.



In my wild eyes I saw this as a chance at freedom but in my heart I knew I was much too afraid to live alone, to be alone. I quickly moved into a realtionship that could be labled the darkest part of my life. HE was a beautiful man and like most "beautiful men" he came with his share of problems and baggage. As the old saying goes "The more I bitched, the more he drank". It took some time for me, to bring my mental state to escape.



Soon after I learned that I was pregnant. I cant remember a more devaistating feeling in my life. None the less, he and I where once again bound to one another. The 9 or 10 weeks that followed where filled with up and down moments. I had become very excited to be a mother and terrified to raise a child in the pretext that was my life, all at the same time. When suddenly everything crumbled. I saw Dr.Yang with what I expected to be a routine Urinary tract infection. My heart sank when I learned that it could not be confirmed, but all signs suggested that I was to miscarry. The 3 days to follow would be the most painful, difficult days of my life.



And just as this man had wondered into to my life...He wondered back out in the arms of another woman.



It didnt take long to recover from the previous tourment. I found myself enjoying my work, my home, and good friends. For me life had finaly begun.

Why wouldnt you blog about it?

Since I have begun blogging myself, Ive become much more interested in the blogs of others. AND SOME OF THEM have been through some real interesting stuff in their lives but choose to write about everything but that. I just dont get it. Writing is a way to let go of harbored feelings- I place to free your fears- a place to be heard in full. SO Why wouldnt you blog about it?

i'd pull my hair out

stopped and saw a friend up in Nw Arkansas...she happens to run a home daycare. My husband says to me when we leave "i could see you doing something like that". Im thinking "WHAT" Id kill a kid. They would do something totally absoultley crazy and before I knew it- it would be 20yrs to life for me. Nope Nope No thanks. But hey for you ladies with about 98% more patience then me- there has got to be some money in it. 6 kids at $125each is...what...$750 per week. heck thats Northward of Thirty five Grand a year.

Look at me- had this blog for all of about 10 minutes and Im a dang ole motivational speaker. Ha

He says mmmmommma

its not as rewarding as i thought it might be...hearing him call out for me.

he dosent say my name with a smile or the sound of love in his voice. He calls (screams) my name when somethings not right, when someones too sleepy, when the sound of rain wakes him from his precious rest, or when a loud voice disrupts his space. its not what i expected and maybe not what i needed but knowing that this tiny person knows with all his being that i am MOMMA is enough for me.

I am the righter of wrongs and the fixer of what's broken. I am the one that he trusts above all others and for good reason...because i am also the one that wakes throughout the nite just to check in- the one that keeps playing when all i want is a little rest- and the one that gives my all even when im all give out.

WHY?

...of all things I have to do in a day... why on Earth would I want to pile "blogging" on top of it?
Guess that Question can be lumped up with all the other unanswered curiosities running through my head. Like where does the other sock go? And whats the difference between concrete and asphalt anyway? Maybe it's because I have something to say-worth hearing by someone other than the ears of a 5 month old. Then again...maybe not.